An Ode to the Dollar Store

The dollar store. No teenaged person between the ages of thirteen and nineteen can live without it. Otherwise, they would probably die. Or they'd live, but not have quality merchandise at a bargain-basement price.

Famous poet H.L. Mencken once stated that "cellar door" is the most beautiful phrase in the English language. He had discovered this because a student of his, a Chinese boy who didn't speak English, liked the way it sounded phoenetically. This was reiterated in the classic family film Donny Darko, and was utilized to forward the plot. Now, if "cellar door" is so beautiful in its phoenetics, how come "dollar store" is not? I mean, it rhymes with "cellar door". It has virtually all the same consonant sounds. I contend that Mencken was incorrect, and that "dollar store" is the most beautiful phrase.

Dollar Store! So beautiful. So poetic. So cost-efficient.

There are many things you can get in a dollar store. Would I say that everything in said store is worth an entire buck? No. There are cassette tapes of early 1990's R&B from groups no one has ever heard of. Everything else, however, is top sirloin compared to your everyday, Walmart-type enterprise's grade-D ground chuck.

If you need proof, please read the following list of items available at the dollar store.

1. Dew-rags. Dollar dew-rags are of the finest quality, and they're even manufactured with a picture of two Men In Black on the cover. Except they are both African-American and both look kind of like Will Smith. I don't know where Tommy Lee Jones fits into the equation, but believe you me that he probably doesn't. Also, it's not called Men in Black, but it is called Men in Dew-Rags. I got one in a college carepackage from Ashley "Autumnfire" Gronlund and John "Johnny-O" O'Donnell, and I have it here with me at college. I don't have a scanner, or I'd display it here proudly. In fact, I'm wearing it right now. It helps me get to know my other African-American brothers in my hallway, and by "get to know", I mean "get beaten up by".
2. Non-namebrand toys. Now this may sound like a bad thing, because namebrand often equals quality in the high-tech world of action-figury, but it is in-fact an asset...to the max! There are toys that would never get released in so-called "real stores" and "legal outlets". They have plastic bow-and-arrow sets with razor-sharp, poison-coated tips. You won't see THAT made by Hasbro! Cap guns that shoot real bullets? Take that, Kenner! Barbie dolls with actual, lice-infested hair? Make Mattel squirm!
3. Expired soda. You've never experienced soda until you've experienced soda from the dollar store. Dollar store soda makes you realize why they put that date on the soda can. I'm pretty sure that Pepsi turns into cyanide on the date of expiration, and those chunks don't look too healthy either.
4. Indian people. Please don't shoot me for saying this, because it's probably as big and as untrue a generalization as the whole "Pakistanis running convenience stores"/"gay men as hairdressers"/"donut-eaters as police officers"/"Italian guys as mafia"/"British guy as James Bond" sterotype, but I've never been to a dollar store that hasn't been owned by an Indian family. Okay, so I've been to two dollar stores, but they both have been. And so obviously it is true for every dollar store.
   
   Ever.

As you can see, the dollar store is a glorious and peaceful place. It is the American dream and I am done typing this essay now.