Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Life in a Cube

Office work is interesting. Here are some things I have learned about office jobs.
  • There are no people that act like characters on The Office. Do not expect a Dwight Schrute, a Michael Scott, or even a Jim-and-Pam. Sure, there are funny people, but they are all funny in the conventional "e-mail forward" sense of funny.

  • There are people that look like characters on The Office. I have a Stanley and a Phyllis in my office. Which ones do you have? Collect them all!

  • To quote my man Morrissey, "Here everybody's friendly, but nobody's friends." In the office building, it is a prerequisite to say hello to everybody every time you pass them in the hallway. If you just saw them five minutes ago but you went a'roaming, you must say hello when you pass them again. Are you at the urinal next to somebody? Salutations--just don't shake hands. Do you know their names? Will you ever? The correct answer is "No, but hello to you, friend!"

  • Your cubicle is an extension of you. Are you a fan of the "basketballs?" It is your solemn duty to let everybody know by tacking pin-ups to your walls of the Philadelphia One Thousand Seven Hundred Seventy Sixers. My only decoration is a Dwight Schrute bobblehead, which conveys to my coworkers that I am boring.

  • If you are bored--and you will be because you work in an office--you have to make your own fun. Sure, you could ceaselessly refresh all your websites on Google Reader (p.s. helpful office tip number 34: familiarize yourself with RSS feeds for maximum economy in slacking), but you'll become a lonesome soul. Spice things up. One fun thing to do is have Post-It Battles with coworkers--silly messages, games of "Twenty-Questions," and what-have-you. It doesn't matter what you do. The important thing is that you waste paper, and spend a couple minutes of your time doing it.
So that's work. Oh, and I also do work at work. I am the only male secretary in the entire building. And you can take that one to the sperm bank.

On non-office-related thoughts: did you know that all people are people? I was unaware of this fact until just recently. You see, authority figures have never been people before. They have been faceless automaton robots that want to suck out my brain with their magical powers.

But within the last year, I got to know a number of people personally that I'd never come across before. Security guards; doctors; teachers; police officers. I've had conversations with all of these people, and it turns out that they have families and ambitions and insecurities and rent/mortgage payments just like everyone else. Especially the "insecurities" part.

So do yourself and the world a favor--treat everybody like a human being. Chances are that they hate their job as much as you hate your own.

The following people are still not people (until they come to me personally and prove otherwise): supermodels, famous actors, beautiful women of any sort.

And now, to catch up in the previous month of no-posting: some Six-Word Reviews of Various Things!

  • Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix: Changed from book for the better.
  • The Bourne Ultimatum: As great as the first sequel.
  • Big Brother: Absolute trash three times a week.
  • The X-Files Season 1: Got in a groove, kicked ass.
  • The X-Files Season 2: Virtually flawless.
  • Violent Femmes: Live in Iceland: Short, but agressive and well-played set.
  • Violent Femmes: BBC Live: Brilliant set from band's golden years.
  • Violent Femmes: Live in Chicago: Noteworthy for songs from Freak Magnet.
  • Zappa Plays Zappa (concert): Tight improv band, did Frank proud.


Jackie said...

You're the only male secretary, but you don't think beautiful women of any sort are real people? Doesn't that make you lonely? Aren't any of the women in the office pretty???


Review the World said...

nice to see a new post.. - i still check regulary.. - hope all is well.. - here's to an awesome fall..

Episode One said...

well, if you're mad that i said men should do all the work in the relationship, then i'm mad that you don't think beautiful women are real people....errr...wait a minute...are you talking about genuinely beautiful women or the women who know they're beautiful and use it to their advantage? if you're referring to the latter than bash away, friend....

Episode One said...

Tous Ches!!!! I see your point. Well, although I may not constitute as Beautiful, I do give you the time of day...So HA!!!! Enjoy my video recommendation.

Jackie said...

Your comments are priceless. And so is my sister, from whom you now have a restraining order!!

LOL, you're silly. Thanks for the comment.

Matt said...

I work at a bookstore where I am now the only male employee. I think my position would be more desirable if half the staff hadn't already experienced menopause.