I've heard the news today, oh boy

Our Secretary of State, working hard to serve the people.

• [Condoleezza Rice's] visit to Liverpool and Blackburn was billed as an opportunity for Rice and Straw to demonstrate how U.S. foreign policy directly affects British citizens...Rice also sought to put to rest a conundrum from her youth: What exactly did the Beatles mean when they sang about there being "4,000 holes in Blackburn, Lancashire"?

Like a modern-day Nancy Drew, Condie is doing her best to solve the mysteries that affect the people of her great nation. With the dam broken on this new field of study, I'm hoping the Bush administration gets to work on some more pressing questions.

• Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld is dying to know: "What does Jon Bon Jovi mean when he says he is "Half way there?" Where is he going?"
• Dick Cheney goes on a personal mission to figure out: "What's the deal with that blacklight map on "Lost?"
• President Bush is forming a fact-finding coalition: "What the hell is going on in Mulholland Drive?"

With our tax dollars, hopefully this will all be cleared up by the end of the administration.