A Piece of S(h)cr(i)p(t)

From a spec for Chris' Subhumanoid Meltdown mockumentary...

INT INTERVIEW ROOM #1

CHRIS SEIBERT, SPOODLES, and an INTERVIEWER sit in front of a backdrop.


INTERVIEWER Do you have any regrets about the experience?
CHRIS No.
SPOODLES No way.
CHRIS Nope.
SPOODLES Absolutely not.
CHRIS What is there to regret?
SPOODLES Sex, drugs, and rock and roll, baby.
CHRIS (smiling) No regrets, no.

Silence.

CHRIS I guess I do have one regret.
SPOODLES You do?
CHRIS Yeah…I guess I regret the fact that we never actually played a show…
SPOODLES Oh, definitely. I regret that too.
CHRIS And I really regret that we never even rehearsed together…
SPOODLES Oh yeah, yep. But other than that, no regrets.

Silence.

SPOODLES I guess we could have at least all been in the same room at the same time…
CHRIS Oh wow…I genuinely regret that. We never even really met each other, did we?
SPOODLES No! And even though we hadn't met, I would have loved to at least…you know…I guess what I'm saying is, it would have been great if everybody knew how to play their instruments.
CHRIS That is true.
SPOODLES But really, on the whole, no real regrets about the Subhumanoid Meltdown experience.
CHRIS No way--it was a joy.
SPOODLES Definitely. One of the best experiences of my life.
CHRIS I just hate the fact that…

Various adlibbing of regrets, which keep getting more and more bitter and resentful. Regrets eventually regress from the topic of the band and towards other regrets in life.

NARRATOR (V.O.) No regrets from the founding members, but one question remains in the minds of hopeful Subhumanoid Meltdown fans across the globe: is there any chance of a reunion?

EXT. CHRIS'S GARDEN - DAY

Chris and the Interviewer sit, surrounded by flowers.

INTERVIEWER Is there any chance that the band could…reunite?
CHRIS Oh, of course! I think that all of the members would be quite gung-ho to put together a reunion concert…

Silence.

CHRIS Can it be considered a reunion concert when we never actually played a concert before.

Interviewer slowly shakes his head.

CHRIS (joyfully puzzled) Well what the hell would you call it?

Silence

CHRIS Well, I suppose, since it wouldn't be a "reunion concert," it would just be a "union concert!"

Chris starts laughing, loudly and boisterously. He looks at the interviewer for support, but he is frowning and shaking his head. Chris stops laughing and frowns. Possibly, a tear comes to his eye.

NARRATOR (V.O.) Chris was optimistic, but would the rest of the band be equally ecstatic about the chance to reunite once again…for the first time?

Intercut between different band responses. The vast majority are "No way," "Fuck no," etc.

EXT. A STREET CORNER - DAY

NICK SALLADE is walking hurriedly. HE sees the camera and tries to avoid it.

INTERVIEWER Is there any chance for the band to get back together?
NICK (pestered) Who the fuck are you and what are you talking about?

Eventually it would follow Chris as he tries to meet with all of the other band members and convince them to join up for the "reunion".