Picky-ass movie bastard

Here is the rest of the year as I see it.

April 1--Sin City
May 19--Star Wars Episode III
June 17--Batman Begins
June 29--War of the Worlds
July 8--Fantastic Four
July 15--Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
September 23--Corpse Bride
November 18--Harry Potter 4
December 9--The Chronicles of Narnia
December 14--King Kong

I'm a little iffy on Chronicles of Narnia and Corpse Bride, but I'll give them the benefit of the doubt.

I dropped The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy from that list after I saw the god-awful preview.

One movie that was never on that list: The Pacifier, "starring" Vin Diesel. Can anybody honestly tell me that they think it looks good? Preferably with a straight face? I'll give the naysayers the benefit of the doubt and believe them when they say that somewhere, somehow, some minute bit of talent lies within Vin Diesel's oversized body or miniscule brain. But this movie...how can anybody look at this and want to see it? It's insulting to me that they even released this movie in theaters. I feel personally affronted by it. The Pacifier should have gone straight to video. Not DVD. VHS. And when it got there, it should have festered on the shelves for all of eternity next to Ernest Goes to Africa (may Jim Varney rest in peace).

I'm thinking about refusing to work in the theater while it's out. That's right. The entire week and a half that it's out before the studios pull it from the theaters on account of extreme suckage. If The Pacifier sold a single ticket, I'd lose faith in humanity.

Maybe I'll stay at school that weekend and eat candy.

EDIT: In response to Anna's comment that I should just "stop being so analytical of movies and just enjoy them."

My problem is, I have to be picky with my movies because I have the same problem as you. I never have the time to see movies because I spend all of my time (or at least all of the convenient-for-movie-going-time) working. I've only had the time to see one movie in theaters in the past four months.

Because of this, I judge what movies I'll make an attempt to see on three things.

1) The Trailer. Whether or not it's misleading, it'll generally give you the general gist of the movie. In fact, the only trailer I've seen in my life that I would call "misleading" was the trailer for The Village, which I ended up liking anyway.

2) The Buzz. If I hear great things from people whose views on movies I respect, I'll make an effort to catch the flick. This was the case for Garden State and Sideways, and they were two of my favorite movies of 2004.

3) Preexisting bias. I'm not going to lie--I'll see Corpse Bride despite the fact that it doesn't fare well in either of the last two categories. Because it's a Tim Burton flick. Star Wars Episode III I have to see because I love the other Star Wars movies. And Batman is bitchin', so Batman Begins, by association, is guilty of being bitchin'. This is usually why I come back for sequels of movies I like (Spider-man 2). This point can work negatively, so that I can ignore sequels to movies I dislike (Elektra, the spin-off sequel to Daredevil). Also, I refuse to ever watch another movie by the director of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, because that was the worst movie I've ever seen, bar none.

That is why I "overanalyze" movies. I rarely get a chance to see them, so I want to guarantee a good time.

The Pacifier will not be a good time for me, by any stretch of the imagination. The trailer sucks. The buzz is awful. I can't respect Vin Diesel because I've never liked a performance by him, not even his brief role in Saving Private Ryan.