Wednesday, September 29, 2004

Samhain Invitation

Do you know Chris "the Great" Seibert? Do you know me? Do you not know either of us? Do you live in a small colonial province of India where you worship the Christian Jesus by day but praise Kali the Destroyer at night? If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, then Chris "The Great" Seibert's Samhain Party is perfect for you.

"Samhain?" you may be asking yourself inquisitively. "What is Samhain, and how come my boxer shorts have rips in the area of my balls?" Well, the answers to your questions require a history lesson. Beginning in Scotland and Ireland, Samhain is a Celtic tradition. Meaning literally, "Summer's End" (and meaning figuratively, "Pink Nipples"), this festival was celebrated every November 1. Chris spits on this ancient, time-honored tradition by putting his Samhain party on October 30. Screw you, Celtic people. Screw you a lot.

And I am extending an invitation to each and every one of you: come to Chris The Great's Samhain Party. There will be live music from local bands. There will be food. There will be cheese. There will be womens. There will be pirate booty. There will be regular booty. There will be absolutely no mention of the phrase "bootylicious." There will be no Destiny's Child. Thank God.

And you, yes you, are cordially invited to come. Show up. Wear a costume. It's two days before Samhain, after all, and that's when all the spooks are out and about.

Only one requirement must be met:

You MUST wear a strap-on dildo.

Now I know what you're saying. "Mr. Cool Mike, sir, what does wearing a strap-on dildo have to do with the honorable tradition of Samhain?"

And to that I answer, "Lo, for you are blessed. Strap-on dildos have nothing to do with Samhain, but I wanted a cheap and easy segway to my next article." And it was good.

And now for the next article.

Strap-on Dildos

Are you interested in wearing a strap-on dildo to Chris's Samhain Party, or just for personal use? Aren't we all. However, some of us are either too embarrassed or too poor to buy one of those fancy strap-ons from the classy local wank establishment. If this is a problem, yo, I'll solve it. Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it.

Here is my guide to cheap, homemade strap-on dildos. First thing's first--you need to pick your phallus of choice. I have a few suggestions

The following objects would make exceptional homemade strap-ons. Lucky you, this version is ripe with Director's Commentary which will explain the choices and some of their drawbacks.

  • Large sausages--This is a classic item, often associated with the male genitalia. The only problem with this is the smell--nobody wants to smell like sausage, and nobody wants their sausage to rot.
  • Cucumbers--This is the veggie of choice for the vaggie of class and distinction. Once again, problems include freezer burn and perishablity.
  • Rolls of quarters--Sure, they don't have the size, but they got it where it counts, kid. No, I'm not talking about the old "It's not the meat, it's the motion" argument. I'm talking about the one agenda the ladies care most about: cash money bling bling.
  • Cylindrical can of Drano--Sure, it may seem like a good idea now, but you'll regret it later. Trust me.
  • Stack of pancakes--Flexibility is a pro. Can be a shortstack or a tall stack of flapjacks. Syrup optional, showers recommended.
  • Scissors--Not a useful wang-tool, unless you're the type of person who wants to get rid of "unexpected problems." If you laughed at that joke, you're worse than Hitler.
  • French Bread--Long and crusty, and ladies love that accent.
  • Tampax Brand Absorbant Tampon--For those heavy flow days.

With phallic object firmly in hand, it's time to do that magic you do to make it a strap-on. All you need is a regular belt, and something to attach the household objects to the belt. My suggestions: for functionality, use super glue. For costuming purposes, use copious amounts of string. People won't laugh at your ramshackle sex-toy. In fact, chances are they will be awed by your inventiveness and creativity--the very same inventiveness and creativity that you stole from this website, you son of a bastard.

I hope this information has been useful for you. I intend to see all kinds of wang-weapons at CHRIS THE GREAT'S Samhain Party this October.


Chris The Great's First Annual Samhain Party takes place on October 30. Time and place are still unknown, but bands are booked. Wear a costume. Despite what I said above, strap-ons are optional. Stay tuned here and at Chris's site for updates.

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