Mike "CoolMike" Specklehammer is the band's kazooist and one of the band's many singers. You may know him from his show on the Home and Gardens Channel, "A Week in the Life of Michael Specklehammer," every Saturday at 9 p.m. It's actually pretty interesting how Mike received his golden kazoo. Forged in the fiery abyss of Mount Doom, the kazoo can only be played by its master--none other than Mike "CoolMike" Specklehammer himself. If another soul lays their hands on his kazoo, it renders them weak to Mike's sexual powers. In addition to the songs he has written for this band, including such classics as "Virgil the Gerbil," "Jehovah-Jira," "A Christmas Carol," and "Friendship, Friendship, What a Beautiful Blendship a.k.a. Hardcore Masturbation," he has written a grand collection of almost one hundred songs, MANY OF WHICH ARE NOT EVEN VULGAR OR RIDICULOUS. His musical influences, if you can call them that considering he has no talent, are many and diverse--from the poetic acoustic guitar rock of Elliott Smith to the piano bombast of Ben Folds to the pop classics by the Beatles. Mike has written a five-act musical stageplay entitled "Paedophile: The Musical (or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Little Kids)," has contributed frequently to the New York Times, and sells miniature models of the Alamo outside of the Empire State Building. In his spare time, Mike Specklehammer likes to crochet throw-rugs for his Aunt Fifi's business in New Acres, Minnesota. The pay is handsome, but his face is not. He has a girlfriend (a young woman named Anna), and nineteen illegitimate children across the country--the worldwide count has not yet been measured.
Nick "Sanford and Son" Sanfordandson is a tromboner. The biggest tromboner in the tri-state area, he has graced the band with his presence. Born and raised in Kentucky, he's a country boy all the way. You can tell this immediately upon meeting him, because he loves country roads, West Virginia, mountain mama, whittling, and Paris Hilton. Nick has been a tromboner for some of the biggest acts on both sides of the Mississippi--Wayne Newton, Tom Jones, Emmett Otter's Jugband Christmas, and The Greatful Dead (pre-Jerry Garcia). When not wearing clothes, Nick Sallade can be seen off-Broadway completely naked. When wearing clothes, he will unfortunately not be appearing naked. Nick likes his music, but even more than music, he likes music. Coheed and Cambria, Bright Eyes, and Rage Against the Machine are his immediate musical influences, although he has been known to shake his pelvis to Elvis and rock his body to Rowdy Roddy. Currently attending graduate school at Shippensburg College for the Tall and Unweildy, Nick is looking to become a kung-fu ninja in addition to his role as master tromboner.
Miles "Sugarbaby" Salt is the lead guitarist of the band. Miles Salt, named after the famous bluesman named Miles Davis and the whining bitch from "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory" named Veruca Salt, is never without a smile on his face. Bad test grade? Smile--you're Miles's face. I'm serious. I kicked this kid in his oversized testicles and he grinned at me. I tied up and gagged every member of his family, poured gasoline on them, and set them on fire until they died a terrible, screaming death, all while Miles watched. Miles gave me a friendly punch in the arm and said, and I quote, "You crazy guy." Not a frown, and not a tear. If anything, he was smiling more. Miles's life up to this point is best described in comparison to the pig in the Babe movies. He started out on a farm, just trying to herd sheepdogs. Then he got nominated for Best Picture, made a crappy sequel, and faded from the public eye. Well, Miles is back in town and he's playing his six-string for the band. We're happy to have him in the band, because if we have him in the band, we have someone who won't sass back when we abuse him verbally, physically, and sexually. That's our Miles!
Chris "The Great" Seibert was born in a lab north of Rio. He was subjected to stem cell research until he was rescued by two mice and a seagull, a'la The Rescuers and The Rescuers Down Under. Chris is best known for his inability to write, but uncanny ability to pretend he can write. Also, he has made an effort to pinch the nipples of every single president of the United States. He tweaked George Washington's titty as he was crossing the Deleware River. He pinched William Henry Harrison's hairy nipples before he died forty days into his presidency. He pinched Grover Cleveland's nipples on two non-consecutive occasions. Chris was raised on music, mastering the piano, trombone, guitar, occasionally bass, some drums (when he can keep a rhythm), skin flute, meat recorder, phallic clarinet, and also the art of the voice. Surprisingly, music isn't his only accomplishment. He is also an underappreciated artist, painting, drawing, scultping and also writing many fine films, short stories and poems. His musical influences include, but are not limited to, GWAR, The Misfits, Dead Kennedys, NoFx, Rancid, Elliott Smith, Ben Folds, Dave Brockie Experience, and Atom and His Package. His artistic influences are H.R. Giger, Dave Brockie and Dali, while his favorite writers are H.P. Lovecraft, Kurt Vonnegut, Steven King, Chuck Palanihuk, and the guy on the Quaker Oats box. Chris is also in the film business, but his films arent very tasteful. Nee, the most frequent event in Chris's films is the golden shower, administered to midgets. Chris lives his life in a box along the road and is in the magical business of selling fetus lolipops to various rock stars and child molesters. Michael Jackson pleads guilty as charged.
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